Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
