just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
