Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
