You smell like stripper and shame
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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