Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize