There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
