I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
