I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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