Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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