im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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