I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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