My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
