I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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