I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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