On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
