so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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