Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
