hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I will be naked everywhere
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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