that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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