I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
