I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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