I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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