Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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