Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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