dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
