I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
