perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
