I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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