Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
