I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Randomize