Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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