your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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