good thing vaginas are great cup holders
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
