i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
