I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
