y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
