sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
