I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
high people should be assigned attendants
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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