ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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