he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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