Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
