i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I could fuck to npr.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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