I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
