fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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