Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
