Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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