I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
