youre lurking in front of me
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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