I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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