And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
