so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
