okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
