Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
