did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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