my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
