6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize