When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
We need a shit load of segways right now
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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