why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
