What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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