By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
