just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
