I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
