I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
