Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
