she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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