dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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