I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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