i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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