Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
