Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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