We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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