I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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