Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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