he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
