I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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