i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Randomize
