I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
