I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
