i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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