so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
