I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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