I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
